Since returning to the States, we haven't had the time to continue the blog due to some other pressing matters, but today we have some down time while Tori is napping and Tessa is playing with Christina. So, before obsolescence overtakes doerrstops.blogspot.com, I thought I would get some more posts down.
Reflecting back on our trip and our new life here, Christina and I are thanking God for our family. Our trip would simply not have been possible without family. The support of our parents made the trip possible in the first place and Fritz and Dee's presence there every step of the way not only made the trip more enjoyable, but helped get us through some tight spots.
When we were stuck in the airport in Chendu and I had to leave the family to go check for the missing passports, I had the security of knowing that Christina and Tessa would be safe with Fritz and Dee. Their support (without judgement over my grievous moment of absentmindedness), got us through that day. When we first me Tori, Fritz was manning the video camera and Dee was snapping photos so we could be in the moment without worrying about having to capture it. When Christina and I had to take Tori to get her medical check in Guangzhou, Tessa was able to hang with Papa and Grandma by the pool instead of waiting for an hour in a crowded clinic. When I had to deal with immigration paperwork fiascos, Fritz and Dee were there to entertain Tessa and provide company for Christina.
In the meantime my parents, Bob and Cheryl, were on the other side of the world emailing our Congressman, organizing prayer, counseling us on the phone and generally letting us know that they were there to help in any way possible. After an exhausting 28 hour trip home, there they were there with smiles, hugs and cameras waiting for us. We have always felt gratitude for our family, but after this trip, we have a deeper appreciation for the gift God has given to us in our family.
Our appreciation and love for them continues to grow as we witness their continued sacrifice for Tori's sake. I know that our parents and would want nothing more than to pick up Tori, hold her and play with her. She is pretty irresistible after all. However, they are using every ounce of restraint they can muster right now to give us time to establish a solid connection with Tori as her parents.
Internationally adopted children are at a high risk to develop an emotional disorder known as attachment disorder, a psychological and emotional coping response to the trauma of being abandoned by birth parents. The very concept of what and who a parent is has been broken and it has to be repaired. As a result, children who have been abandoned will often view their new adoptive parents as the latest adult chaperone in their lives. There is no recognition of permanence in the relationship. Tori's emotional and cognitive understanding of our relationship with her is that we are kind people who are fun to be around, but eventually she will passed on to someone else. After all, we are probably the fifth adult caretakers she has been passed on to in her short life. In her mind, she is on her own. If she is passed from one adult to another this sad perception is only reinforced in her little mind.
To help overcome the potential tragedy of a girl growing up thinking she is on her own, experts encourage adoptive parents to be very exclusive and possessive about physical interaction with adopted children during the initial period when the process of attachment is underway. Tori has to learn that she can't just shop around for a mom and dad. This means that the only adults holding and picking up Tori right now are Christina and I. We know this is would be hard for anyone, but for grandparents (and uncles and aunts), it's excruciating. Here is this cute peanut of a girl that they have been waiting 3-1/2 years to meet and now that she's here, they can't hold her. Brutal.
As difficult as this is for them, their understanding, restraint and support has bordered on supernatural. They have been incredible. No pressure to speed things up, no second-guessing our decisions, no guilt trips. Just support, understanding and love. Incredible. This is love in it's purest form: sacrificial, patient and unselfish. We are so grateful to our family for this sacrifice of love to us and to Tori.
We know the day will come when Tori develops a strong connection to us as parents, which will help make her relationships with others so much healthier, but for now restraint remains the healthiest way to show love to Tori. If you could follow our family's example in this, that mean so much to us. Whenever you see Tori, if she reaches out to you or 'flirts' with you, please gently direct her back to her Christina and I. Saying something like 'this is your mommy' or 'this is your daddy' while pointing to us is really helpful. Now, don't get us wrong, you don't have to act like Tori has cooties. By all means give her a smile and a wave. Say 'hello'. She loves interacting with people and people should be able to love interacting with her. All we ask is that when you interact with her, help us to reinforce her connection to us as parents. Thank you so much.
Our prayer is that one day when Tori is grown, she will have the same love and appreciation for her family as we have for ours.
Gratefully,
Aaron
Reflecting back on our trip and our new life here, Christina and I are thanking God for our family. Our trip would simply not have been possible without family. The support of our parents made the trip possible in the first place and Fritz and Dee's presence there every step of the way not only made the trip more enjoyable, but helped get us through some tight spots.
When we were stuck in the airport in Chendu and I had to leave the family to go check for the missing passports, I had the security of knowing that Christina and Tessa would be safe with Fritz and Dee. Their support (without judgement over my grievous moment of absentmindedness), got us through that day. When we first me Tori, Fritz was manning the video camera and Dee was snapping photos so we could be in the moment without worrying about having to capture it. When Christina and I had to take Tori to get her medical check in Guangzhou, Tessa was able to hang with Papa and Grandma by the pool instead of waiting for an hour in a crowded clinic. When I had to deal with immigration paperwork fiascos, Fritz and Dee were there to entertain Tessa and provide company for Christina.
In the meantime my parents, Bob and Cheryl, were on the other side of the world emailing our Congressman, organizing prayer, counseling us on the phone and generally letting us know that they were there to help in any way possible. After an exhausting 28 hour trip home, there they were there with smiles, hugs and cameras waiting for us. We have always felt gratitude for our family, but after this trip, we have a deeper appreciation for the gift God has given to us in our family.
Our appreciation and love for them continues to grow as we witness their continued sacrifice for Tori's sake. I know that our parents and would want nothing more than to pick up Tori, hold her and play with her. She is pretty irresistible after all. However, they are using every ounce of restraint they can muster right now to give us time to establish a solid connection with Tori as her parents.
Internationally adopted children are at a high risk to develop an emotional disorder known as attachment disorder, a psychological and emotional coping response to the trauma of being abandoned by birth parents. The very concept of what and who a parent is has been broken and it has to be repaired. As a result, children who have been abandoned will often view their new adoptive parents as the latest adult chaperone in their lives. There is no recognition of permanence in the relationship. Tori's emotional and cognitive understanding of our relationship with her is that we are kind people who are fun to be around, but eventually she will passed on to someone else. After all, we are probably the fifth adult caretakers she has been passed on to in her short life. In her mind, she is on her own. If she is passed from one adult to another this sad perception is only reinforced in her little mind.
To help overcome the potential tragedy of a girl growing up thinking she is on her own, experts encourage adoptive parents to be very exclusive and possessive about physical interaction with adopted children during the initial period when the process of attachment is underway. Tori has to learn that she can't just shop around for a mom and dad. This means that the only adults holding and picking up Tori right now are Christina and I. We know this is would be hard for anyone, but for grandparents (and uncles and aunts), it's excruciating. Here is this cute peanut of a girl that they have been waiting 3-1/2 years to meet and now that she's here, they can't hold her. Brutal.
As difficult as this is for them, their understanding, restraint and support has bordered on supernatural. They have been incredible. No pressure to speed things up, no second-guessing our decisions, no guilt trips. Just support, understanding and love. Incredible. This is love in it's purest form: sacrificial, patient and unselfish. We are so grateful to our family for this sacrifice of love to us and to Tori.
We know the day will come when Tori develops a strong connection to us as parents, which will help make her relationships with others so much healthier, but for now restraint remains the healthiest way to show love to Tori. If you could follow our family's example in this, that mean so much to us. Whenever you see Tori, if she reaches out to you or 'flirts' with you, please gently direct her back to her Christina and I. Saying something like 'this is your mommy' or 'this is your daddy' while pointing to us is really helpful. Now, don't get us wrong, you don't have to act like Tori has cooties. By all means give her a smile and a wave. Say 'hello'. She loves interacting with people and people should be able to love interacting with her. All we ask is that when you interact with her, help us to reinforce her connection to us as parents. Thank you so much.
Our prayer is that one day when Tori is grown, she will have the same love and appreciation for her family as we have for ours.
Gratefully,
Aaron
What a beautifully worded post about what could be a touchy subject! Praying God continues to heal Tori as she learns to trust and love completely!
ReplyDeleteVery well said. When others aren't familiar with int'l adoption or adoption in general it can be a touchy subject. Attachment is very important and I know that someday you and Tori will have a very strong bond. People have mentioned how strong a bond I had with my girls so early on. It is easier when they are an infant, but still a process.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post. This is so helpful in understanding what you and your family are experiencing right now. I look forward to meeting Tori and sharing with her how blessed she is to have you as her family!
ReplyDeleteI'm so thankful that Tori has you two as parents - that you are willing to do the hard thing now to benefit your daughter in the future. I look forward to waving at your daughter soon :) Heehee...
ReplyDeleteCongratulations Tessa, Christina, and Aaron!!
You guys are so wise. Welcome home officially from FCC and Amy C :)!!! Writing here under my pen name. I can't belive you are home with your baby girl!
ReplyDelete