Brokenhearted

Tori has been in our family now for just under four months.  So much has happened in that short time, it's hard to believe it hasn't been four years.  Thanksgiving, Tori learning to walk, Christmas, New Years, family vacation to Hawaii and now Valentines Day.  No wonder it's been almost that long since the last blog post.  Crazy.  Life with Tori has been beautiful, but all the while, Christina and I have known in the back of our minds that we have a girl with a hole in her heart that needs to be fixed.

Back in January, we took Tori to her first appointment with a pediatric cardiologist at Emmanuel Children't Hospital.  We knew she had a Ventricular Septal Defect (hole in the heart).  That information was given to us in her referral papers sent from China.  This, however, was the first chance for a Stateside Doc to get a good look at it.  Our doctor, James Kyser, came highly recommended and he didn't disappoint.  He was personable and professional.  He managed to talk to me about cardiac anatomy like I was six while still making me feel like I wasn't an idiot.  No small feat if you ask me.

After doing an EKG on Tori, they took us into a room with an ultrasound setup to get an inside look at what's going on in her little heart.  Tori was a little unnerved, but Christina was a master soother.  She also got some help from the TV with Elmo on.  Christina and Elmo comforted Tori while I paced and looked at the ultrasound screen pretending I knew what the pulsing blobs of color were.  Dr. Kyser apparently knew what they were.  He had the ultrasound technician contorting the sensor in all sorts of different directions taking various photos of Tori's heart.

After he got what he was looking for, we went back to the exam room.  He pulled out a piece of paper and started doodling.  Then he turned it around and showed us this:

This is a drawing that Dr. Kyser drew of Tori's heart.  He called it a cartoon.  We snickered.  Another point for Dr. K.  Right in the middle you can see a few circles.  The center circle shows where Tori's Ventricular Septal Defect is located.  They measured the VSD at 8mm.  That's bigger than we thought.  Also, the VSD is located higher up on the Ventricular Septum.  (The wall separating the two ventricles).  After explaining the problems a VSD can cause he gave us his recommended course of action:  Open Heart Surgery.

We had been hoping that a catheter/patch procedure would do the job, but the size and location of Tori's VSD does not allow that.  The only corrective procedure is open heart surgery.  Since Dr. K's specialty is catheter procedures, we figured he wasn't 'upselling' an unnecessary invasive procedure.  If it could have been done with a cath, he would have done it.  He assured us it was routine and that we would have an expert surgeon.  But when he said 'open heart surgery,' everything after that sort of faded away.  I started replaying several ER episodes in my head where the doctors pull out the sternum saw to open up some poor sap's chest cavity.  They can't do that to our 17 pound little girl can they?  What's routine about that?

Dr. Kyser put no pressure on us.  He said we can make the decision when we're ready.  Christina and I were disheartened, but not despairing.  We prayed and talked, but very quickly felt led that surgery is the right thing to do.  Perhaps this is one of the reasons that God found us for Tori.  She might never have been able to receive this kind of care in China.  To be agents of God's healing work in Tori's physical heart would be an honor.  Christina set up the date for the surgery:  Thursday, March 4.  Please begin praying.

In the meantime, tonight Tori gave us an reminder that a VSD is not the only hole in her heart.

Christina serves each Sunday evening in our church's Junior High ministry discipling a group of 8th grade girls.  She has to leave before Tori and Tessa go to bed, so it's my job to finish up the evening routine and put the girls down.  We've worked out a routine that seems to work and has been functioning well since November.  

Tonight was different.  I had noticed that Tori was missing Christina more than usual.  Twice she went to the front door and looked out the window for her.  She still went to sleep fine at the usual time, but at about 8:30 she woke up and was clearly upset.  I tried my best to console her but my efforts were only a temporary distraction.  At some point I mentioned 'Mommy' as I held her and she just broke down and reached for the door.  

A sensible person would call Christina at this point, but like a stupid man I figured 'hey, I can handle this'.  Instead of calling Christina and giving Tori the real thing, I showed her pictures of Christina and the whole family on our trip to Hawaii.  This worked for five minutes, then a particular photo of Christina holding Tori set her off again.  I told her that 'Mommy comes back' and 'Mommy loves you.'  Then I asked her if she wanted me to call Mommy and have Mommy come home.  She nodded her head emphatically.  Providentially, Christina had earlier sent me a text asking how things were going (mom's intuition I guess).  I reported the situation and Christina shot home.  I told Tori that Mommy is coming home.  She started to relax for the first time.  

As soon as Christina stepped into Tori's view, Tori reached out for her.  Christina embraced her and you could see relief return to Tori's face.  She snuggled into Christina and choked back sobs for several minutes.  Eventually the relief transitioned to outright giddiness, which does not help her sleep, incidentally.  She got so wired just staring at Christina that the two of them had to go for a little night walk outside to try to get her to fall asleep.  

Not exactly a Valentine's Day to write home about I suppose.  But then again, this was potent reminder of the deep power that love has on us.  Only God can fill the hole that resides in our hearts and Tori is no different.  In less than four months, God has begun to heal Tori's broken heart with the love of her new Mommy.  Christina's sacrificial care, tender nurturing, bright smile, and warm hugs have been used by God as a healing salve on Tori's heart that is blistered and burned from abandonment.  Seeing the depth of her dependence on Christina was both painful and promising.  Painful because we can sense the panic and fear of abandonment that still resides in her.  Promising because we can sense the trust and love of her new family that is growing.  Slowly filling in the other hole in her heart.